The Miracle of Having Children. When IVF Treatment is The Only Option.

This is written for all the couples who are having (or have had) trouble with conception and must resort to IVF procedures. I defy anyone to understand the pain couples go through when they are trying to conceive and it just doesn't want to happen. IVF treatments, although not ideal, are usually where couples turn to when they want to have a child and it's just not happening.

Devastating is one word that comes to mind; soul destroying, mind numbing, desolate, hopelessness, all these negatives can describe the feelings to a point. Unless you have been through the trauma of infertility it is impossible to understand the despair a couple can go through.

In our case we had been married for 3 years when we decided we wanted a family. It didn't matter to us whether we conceived a girl or a boy, we just wanted to get pregnant. My partner had 4 brothers and sisters and I had one brother and also a large extended family, I was quite close to some of my cousins. These were exciting years in our lives as we set out to become responsible adults and eventually parents. For most of my friends and family everything went smoothly and there were many christenings and first birthdays to attend. The in-laws also married and proceeded to extend their families so it was expected that we would just do the same. Sex and love are a normal part of married life aren't they?

My career was important to me so I didn't want to fall pregnant until after I finished studying so I laughed off any talk of us having kids until I was ready. My partner was happy to wait as well whilst he was establishing his own career.

Almost four years into our marriage we visited our GP, after 6 months of trying we decided to check things out. Years earlier an older cousin did have problems conceiving before eventually having one child, but this was the only instance of infertility I had heard of.

The diagnosis was hard to accept, the possibility of us having a child was between 2 and 5 per cent and it was due to an extremely low sperm count with the sperm dead by the time they reached maturity. We were distraught but at this early stage our GP advised us not to panic until further tests were done and a full diagnosis was given.

This led us into a world of high tech medical situations from laparoscopy, micro surgery, IVF clinics to a myriad of counselors and so called 'experts'. At the beginning we remained optimistic and decided to keep our problem to ourselves as we felt it was a 'taboo' subject, was very personal, and we really didn't feel like explaining ourselves to everyone. This went on for 2 years and it was causing severe emotional stress to both of us until we decided to at least let our parents know. This helped to a point but they were as devastated as we were.

For my parents, it was especially hard, they had no grandchildren as yet. This was made even worse when my brother was diagnosed with a similar problem. Having had two children of their own, my parents would possibly have no grandchildren, my mother was beside herself with worry as she loves babies and was desperate to be a grandmother.

As the years went on with various tests and procedures for both of us the trauma really set in, especially for me. My body was so ready to have a child, but as it was a 'male' problem, we had to wait until my partner's tests results came back before we knew which way to turn. Adoption was one way we could go but neither of us wanted to look at that until all other avenues were exhausted. I just had to wait and that's when my mind went a bit haywire!

I was diagnosed with clinical depression about a year after our devastating news so I stupidly, because of the extreme exhaustion I felt, resigned from my well-paid corporate position. I thought if I concentrated on our problem 24/7 it would help. What happened was that without a job to go to I had no routine and so developed agoraphobia - I couldn't leave our apartment without someone being with me. For most of the next 2 years I stayed indoors and only ventured out with my partner or another family member, and occasionally a friend.

When I look back on that time I was extremely confused and had I not left the job (which I enjoyed by the way) my routine would not have been disrupted so I may not have developed the agoraphobia. This sense of confusion affected our marriage as my partner tried to keep things as normal as possible by staying in his job and keeping up appearances socially. We argued constantly and I cried often, some days it was just to hard to get out of bed due to the depression. Our relationship was only just holding on at the time.

Unfortunately I couldn't keep the pain from showing, I lost weight (to the point of looking anorexic) and people started asking what was wrong with me. Eventually I confided in close friends, my GP prescribed anti-depressants and my condition improved with the agoraphobia disappearing.

Once I felt better I started freelancing and took on some part time work which helped take my mind off our problems. Life started to look a little brighter to us so we decided to start house hunting. This kept us busy and was only a problem when we saw homes with childrens' bedrooms beautifully decorated. Our hearts just dropped every time. This meant we didn't find our dream home for quite some time because it took weeks to recover from seeing the childrens' bedrooms.

After 6 years of trying to have a child, some of the specialists told us to take a break and maybe think about life without children. We had gone on a European trip to see if the "stress of infertility would be less whilst we relaxed and were away from our every day world", but apart from helping our relationship (which was a bonus), we still didn't conceive.

After returning from the trip we decided to take the experts advice and put all our efforts into buying our dream home. We eventually bought a home which we couldn't afford but we thought without the expense of children we could make the repayments. Well, guess what, 6 weeks after signing the papers, we found out I was pregnant. Now we had a huge mortgage and a baby to look after!

Our life changed for the better once we had children (we now have one of each), it was a struggle with trying to manage two children and a huge mortgage but somehow we managed. Neither of us would have changed anything anyway.

However, we did suffer some severe emotional stress for 6 years and I'd like to offer a few tips on how to cope if you're going through infertility or related problems.

• Discuss the issue with your GP as soon as you think there is a problem. Organise a plan of action.
• Be kind to yourselves, it's no ones fault, one person cannot be infertile. This is a problem for both people in the relationship.
  
• Cry if and when you need to. Please don't keep things in, you will only develop another problem you will have to deal with.
  
• Open up to others in your circle of family and friends, you may find they have had, or know someone, with a similar problem. Don't keep it to yourselves, it will just destroy you and your relationship.
  
• Don't shun other people who have children. In fact, why not "borrow" a niece or nephew for a day.
  
• Don't listen to advice from "so called experts or counselors" who actually have children. There is no way they know how devastated you are.
  
• If people say things like "oh children change your life too much anyway, you're lucky" I give you permission to thump them. Oh, and also the people who keep asking when you are going to have children (thump them even harder).
  
• Try to keep your routine as normal as possible and let your employer know of your situation. You will need time off for procedures and when you have the occasional "bad day".
• Stay healthy and try to keep positive. Go and see as many experts as you need to, there are new advances every day.
• When you do conceive (and you will) remember to thank all the specialists who helped you along the way, there are so many unsung heroes in the infertility industry.

Each state has laws on infertility so contact the authorities in your area about your situation. For us Sydney IVF and a team of infertility specialists helped us to conceive and to them we will be forever grateful.