Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). Life After an OCPD Marriage Breaks Down.

JAB 14 months ago

Good to hear Marion is doing well on her own and not regretting her decision to leave George. Be interested to hear how George is getting along without Marion to do all the mundane household chores that kept the house running.

htodd 14 months ago

very nice information,Thanks

Chris 9 months ago

This is my boyfriend to a tee. It's the best description I've read to date. It's very tough. We've been dating a year but the sheer rigidity is killing me.

Chris 8 months ago

@MPG- thanks for the comment. I have visited this page often because it gives me solace. I'm at a point where I'm weighing the costs and benefits- as you mentioned. I have many people I could engage, date but I fell in love with this person for many reasons- I cannot simply extract myself. However, I've become part of his condition and that is making me feel uncomfortable. When I first came upon OCPD, I thought it was just a fad-like condition that people made up to make excuses for simply dating an abusive person. But the posts and the articles have taught me that this is real- Keith aligns to this to a tee- and it makes me sad because he simply does not get it.

OCPDgirl 7 weeks ago

Just found your hub (I've never really looked around these pages before) and wow, thank you for taking the time to write so many things about OCPD, and for trying to educate people about it. I am a sufferer and I find myself getting so frustrated by the lack of understanding about it, often even by professionals, and the assumption that it is the same thing as OCD.

While overall your articles are some of the best I have come across on the specifics of it, one thing I would like to point out is that, while what you are saying is right, often sufferers aren't even aware, remember there are a LOT of us who are all too aware, and often that can make all the difference in relationships etc. We are aware that we hurt people, we do try and explain the way our mind works, we do have hurtful outbursts but WILL apologise and try to make amends afterwards - it's just sometimes in the moment there is too much in our heads to focus on 'being nice' all the time in that exact moment. But often we will try and pre-empt those moments, or at the very least sincerely apologise afterwards. In my case I know full well when I am hurting someone, I am not oblivious, but at that point there is just too much in my head to be able to even think of alternatives in that moment where I may snap at someone or whatever.

I saw a quote somewhere, I don't know where it was from, but it was "There's so much noise in her little head." This is honestly the best way I can think to describe what it's like living with OCPD. There is just SO MUCH NOISE and sometimes it becomes so overwhelming and impossible to deal with. If us OCPDers are difficult to deal with, it is honestly never a reflection on those we are dealing with (or in my case anyway it is not), it is simply a lack of energy left to interact "properly" with people, I am constantly so worn down from all the thoughts regarding routines, lists, getting things right, "keeping up" with the way everything should be kept up, that there is so little energy left to function "normally", even if it appears I have got little done. Which is the most frustrating part - the way my insides and my outsides don't match up.

There is this constant overwhelm, this 'noise' in my head, to the point where I often cannot funtcion at all and become too overwhelmed and almost terrified to leave my bed - the perfection is literally paralysing. I don't know what my exact point is here, I guess just that the way we are portrayed as interacting with others etc, cold and often heartless or cruel, is often just how it is viewed from the outside and it is only a reflection on how much is going on on the inside, rather than a direct appraisal of the other person's worth or ability. That phone call example you used in another article I found interesting, as to be honest I feel that as an OCPDer I more likely be on the OTHER end than you specified. Like, I need to know WHY people think what they do, I need them to examine it all, if they can just explain logically (why they were late for example) I completely understand and will empathise - it is when they don't bother, are happy to just "let things go" with appropriate discussion and coming to some sort of CONCLUSION that I get very, often illogically hurt. Yes, we do have all those traits that are mentioned, but a lot of these descriptions and diagnoses seem to forget that we are real people, that what we do is coming from a place of incredible anxiety and overwhelm etc, and often we DO KNOW WHAT WE ARE DOING, we HATE it, but we are unable to stop it as we honestly feel it is the "right" way. So yes we believe we are always right, but in the way that we deal with OURSELVES, not others. So while I put all this pressure on myself, I do not think others are incapable etc, but if they were to try and change the way I personally do things, my standards etc, I would be very resentful, even though I am aware that these standards are affecting both my own and often my partner's quality of life.

For example, I actively sought out a diagnosis of this. While I couldn't imagine living any way other than what I did, I knew that being so overwhelmed, so run down, so on the verge of tears when the tiniest thing would go out of order or interfere with my plans wasn't RIGHT, the fact that others seemed to live so much more easily and freely than me shocked me, and I needed to understand it. After reading through article after article about mental health issues and nothing feeling right, I literally cried and broke down when I read about OCPD - it described basically my entire personality to a T and it was so validating to have my struggle listed as symptoms. Then after that I had a pretty big breakdown for a few months as I realised my personality was nothing but a list of symptoms of a disorder. I felt like NOTHING. Like there was nothing of me that was my own, and this was the one time in my life I have ever or will ever seriously contemplate suicide. I had been doing a lot of personal development work with myself for awhile before this, and even though I was hyper-aware of my flaws, I felt that I was finally kind of starting to be happy, to like the person I was, but this all just sent it tumbling down - all this "personality" I was finally ok with wasn't me at all, it was just a disorder. The only reason I am still alive today is that my perfectionism meant that I wouldn't attempt anything other than a 'perfect' suicide, and I could not obtain all the things I needed to follow through. This made me feel like even more of failure - no personality, basically an asshole with no redeeming features, will never find anyone who wants to stay with me because ALL OCPD marriages, relationships etc break up, blah blah, and yet I was even a failure at dying.

Eventually I kind of snapped out of it and realised, no, there is MORE to me than this. There really is. Around that time I met my now-fiance, and you know what? He saw ME. He barely even noticed the disordered stuff, he saw me as intelligent, creative, able to think in a different way than everyone else, he loved my energy and the way I think. I tried telling him, warning him what it would be like. But I loved everything about him and him me. And I realised that my previous relationship, sure, I was hard to deal with at times, but the man I was with simply didn't treat me well at all. He had his own faults for miles, and absolutely no tolerance for mine. I had since blamed that on the OCPD, but I realise now that being aware of it is such a big step, and there really truly were things far more wrong in that relationship than just this. Being with my fiance has been a dream, he tells me every day how thankful he is to be with me, that we 'get' each other so well, and vice versa. We are not "emotionless" as is often stated, we find living so hard because of our rigidity and standards, and sometimes that reflects on how we interact with others, but we are REAL people and it took me awhile to realise that - I care, I love, I think of little ways all the time to show him how much I love him, he has told me has never ever felt more loved, listened to, understood, cared for or thought of than he has with me. And I realise that THAT is my personality, that is me, and the OCPD is a disorder that makes that more work than normal.

...this has to be the longest comment in the history of the world, and I am sure I've completely deviated from various points I was making in an emotional rant, haha. But it seems like a lot of people read your articles and I would really like to shed some light on our "humanity" if you will. I think the biggest difference is whether or not we realise something is wrong, and admit it and try and deal with it. For me, I simply had to, because living was becoming impossible and it shouldn't be so hard.

I would just like to clarify that I think your articles are wonderful things, and do educate so much, so please don't take this as a personal attack. It just makes me so sad to see us so oft. portrayed as nothing but cruel, emotionless robots to those we love.