Aspergers and OCPD. How These Conditions Affect Relationships

Aspergers Syndrome is part of the Autism Spectrum of medical conditions and people with Aspergers (Aspies) can be more high functioning than those with classic Autism. Aspergers is a syndrome which affects the social aspect of human emotions, ie: people with Aspergers have trouble relating to their peer group, cannot always understand facial expressions and are not open to sarcastic or subtle nuances in peoples' speech.

OCPD or 'Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder' has similar traits to Aspergers but there is little known about this condition, Aspergers Syndrome takes most of the 'limelight' when it comes to research and diagnosis.

Both Aspies and OCPDers can be obsessive about things such as cleanliness, rigidity with tidiness and are perfectionists in their daily lives. Most people with this syndrome are very intelligent, tend to do well academically but do focus on one chosen subject or hobby. These can include things such as trains, public transport timetables, space or architecture, just to name a few. They become so engrossed in their chosen subject they talk about it constantly and cannot understand why others find their subject boring.

This is not to say that people with these conditions cannot form relationships, it is that they find it very difficult and maintaining one is even more difficult. Here is my friend's story...

Marion has known her partner George for 25 years, they are happily married with 3 children and outwardly most people would see their marriage as quite stable and 'normal'. They met in their early 20's whilst George was working as an Engineer and Marion for a law firm.

"We dated for 3 years before settling down and at the time our relationship seemed to follow the usual routine of going out, watching friends getting together then marrying, you know...the general stuff that happens in that time of your life"

Marion describes George as a quiet, gentle man who didn't have many friends, just a chosen few they would socialise with occasionally. He didn't particularly enjoy going out and preferred just staying home or going to the movies. She was OK with this because, having been quite the party girl in her teens, Marion was ready to settle down and spend time with a special someone.

On the occasions they did enjoy a dinner with friends George would start the night quite chatty and seem to be comfortable. However, the night would usually end with Marion trying to keep him from just staring into space or jabbing him to keep him awake. George tended to lose interest in whatever the conversation was after an hour or so and start to drift off. Did she think this was unusual? Not at the time, she thought he was just tired.

After they were married and in their own place there were little instances that made Marion think something wasn't quite right. George would vacuum the carpet in their little unit so perfectly that the weave had to all go the same way; if something needed fixing he would take it completely apart and put it back together days, or even months, later. He did this even if the item didn't need to be pulled apart in the first place. Most projects he started didn't get finished, and even now, the run down home they live in is still only half renovated.

His routine was rigid and he didn't like change, there were many times when George would just not talk for days, for no other reason than he just didn't feel like it. She also noticed his reactions to things that happened were a bit strange. For example, when it was announced to him that his mother was to have a major operation his reaction was minimal, yet, if he found a spot on the carpet or a dirty dish lying around he would complain to the point of being quite unreasonable. He had a tendency to make 'mountains out of molehills'.

Even now, if the children do not tidy their rooms or leave shoes lying around the house he screams at the top of his lungs until they listen to his demands and do their jobs to his satisfaction. Thankfully, these outbursts are not too common because Marion has taught the children to keep things quite tidy so as not to aggravate their father.

With both of them working full time at the start of the marriage, their weekends were a routine of housework, grocery shopping and afternoon sleeps for George. Then he would proceed to fall asleep in front of the TV at night as well. Marion found out later, after learning more about the condition, that always thinking about making things perfect made people such as George extremely tired.

For years Marion tried to accommodate George and his little idiosyncrasies but there came a time when she just couldn't take any more and had to find out why he acted the way he did. Organising an appointment with a relationship counselor she convinced him to come with her to discuss problems she was having with depression which was affecting her life. This led to visits to their local GP, a psychologist and a psychiatrist, who all diagnosed George to have OCPD - Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.

This condition makes the person affected react in a perfectionist manner, ie: everything for them must be perfect before they can finish a task, their surroundings have to be tidy and orderly to the point of obsession, such as, pencils lined up neatly in a tray. If their surroundings are not to their satisfaction the reactions can be anything from mild anxiety to a full breakdown. Marion learned from one of the specialists they went to see that if George's surroundings were neat and tidy then he didn't spend time worrying about that and could concentrate on the task at hand.

When he thinks about buying something he will research the item until he is satisfied it will do the job he wants it to do. What the item is does not matter, but the larger the item to be purchased, the more time he spends researching on the internet and phoning various 'experts' on the item.

"If I'm in a hurry to have something I just go out and buy it myself," laughs Marion, "otherwise I can wait months to have what I need."

George did some cognitive therapy for a couple of weeks after seeing the specialists, one of whom prescribed antidepressants for him. This was just to stablise the mood swings and help him to think more clearly. Unfortunately this condition makes the person think there is nothing wrong with them so the therapy didn't last long. The antidepressants had some effect and seemed to help him to understand Marion a little better.

Before Marion learned of George's condition she was puzzled by some of his actions.

"I remember when I was pregnant the first time, I was quite bored and suggested we go out for a Sunday drive. We both went to get dressed and George was ready before me. When I eventually came out into the lounge, there he was sitting on the step cleaning one of the light fittings that had been taken down months before. He was dressed ready to go out but because I had taken longer than him he decided to keep busy.

We didn't end up going anywhere as the whole fitting was taken apart and then put together again. Needless to say I was not pleased but saying anything at the time would have caused a huge argument."

Another time Marion wanted to buy new curtains for the unit as they had lived with the old ones for 8 years and the sun had faded them. George agreed but insisted on being shown the fabric before she ordered anything. Fifteen different fabrics later Marion gave up and lived with the old curtains for another 6 years until they moved out!

Holidays are not easy for George either as he finds it hard to relax and hates to be out of routine. Marion tends to organise all the family holidays and, once she has all the details, has to discuss these with George and make sure he is comfortable with the venue, where they are staying and that they don't stay for too long. This can take time as there are always revisions to the venue, the time, etc. However, it seems that beach or skiing holidays seem to be OK, especially if they go to the same place each time.

For the most part Marion has had to accept the relationship is what it is, romance and spontaneity will never be part of who George is and as knowledge of the condition has helped her to understand him better, their marriage is generally happy and healthy.

By the time George was diagnosed he was in his forties and already set in his ways. Cognitive therapy would have helped had he kept it up but the results may only have been minimal. A diagnosis of Aspergers or OCPD is best when a person is young, preferably before puberty. If you suspect someone close to you has Aspergers then contact your GP in the first instance who, if there is a problem, will assist you with therapy and if necessary, medication.

Living with Aspergers is harder on the sufferer as they tackle their perfectionism and obsessive behaviour but it can also be a struggle for the people who are close to them. Living with constant negativitiy can be emotionally draining on the sufferer and their partner. Understanding the condition helps immensely in forming loving relationships.

For further information contact your local Autism Foundation.

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